Why Losing is Hard

When you watch the Olympics on TV and you see an athlete win that elusive gold medal the commentators always say how hard it is, how hard that athlete had to work, what hardships they had to overcome to stand on top of that podium.  When you join an elite sport and go to training camps you hear that talk from coaches, the one where they tell you how hard it is to be the best and that it's not easy, that the best become the best in the world because they put in the work.  What they don't tell you is how hard it is to lose.  What you can't see while the cameras are focused on the winner is the numerous other athletes behind them who on a different day, under different circumstances could have been on the podium or the athlete sitting at home who didn't even make the Olympic team because of one mistake during the Olympic trials.  There are so many athletes who do the same training and work just as hard as the medalists but at the end of the day they don't win, they lose.

I've been training in Calgary for about four years.  After a year and a half I started doing well enough that I got moved from group 2 into group 1; the same group that the National Team athletes train in.  I also went from being one of the fastest in my group to the slowest.  It was a lot easier to be one of the fastest than the slowest both mentally and physically.  Obviously I want to be in the top group and I need to be in that group to improve to where I want to be but some days it's hard to always be at the back of the pack especially when I can see exactly where I want to be.  I've recently realized there are more athletes who don't achieve their ultimate goal than there are who do even if they work their absolute hardest.

Training Camp 2015

A few weeks ago the entire short track oval program road-tripped down to Penticton BC for an off ice (mostly on bike) training camp.  Training camps are usually very difficult but also fun and a good chance for team bonding (or at least growing closer through shared pain).  I was not terribly excited for this camp simply because I am not the biggest fan of cycling (more on that here) but I was doing my best to be optimistic.

One of our first training sessions was a weights session at Beach City Crossfit; a gym that opened right onto the beach to an incredible view.

just dramatically lifting weights at the beach 

We did a lot running, imitations and most of all cycling for ten days and two training sessions a day.  Some of the bikes were good, some weren't but for the most part the experience was a positive one, I got to spend some good time with old and newer teammates, have a bit of fun, and work hard.  There's something very fulfilling and rewarding about finishing a hard training block or camp especially when it feels like it's going to be impossible to complete somewhere in the middle.

a bike that went so well I took a picture, unheard of!

fire by the beach to celebrate completing the camp with the team

Injured and Frustrated

I've never considered myself to be one of those athletes that is constantly struggling with injuries, sure I've broken a leg here and there but breaks heal and then usually don't bother you once it's all healed up.  Since it doesn't happen to me super often I'm really bad at being injured.  Basically if I'm not put in a cast I think I should be fine and then I get really frustrated when I can't do things.

Before New Years I fell in practice and I've done something to my back.  At first it hurt to do anything (seriously anything if I even breathed too deeply I would be in pain) but now it feels almost normal when I'm just sitting around but as soon as I skate the pain comes back.  It's been really frustrating because even when a program is going well for me I might have to cut some of it out simply because my back will start hurting too much and I tend to play down injuries (I once told a coach I was fine and walked on a broken leg) so I keep skating until I can't anymore (not healthy I know).  

This has so far been a really frustrating and disappointing season and adding injury on top of all that is definitely not helping on the motivation side of things and I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not getting worse and I'm not a bad skater I'm injured and I need to let myself heal.

source: Pinterest

Just a mini update for this week because I wanted to put something up but didn't have the time to organize anything else.  My plan is to post something at the beginning/end of every week just to keep writing, keep my brain working and writing it out allows me to take a step back and look at skating/my life from the outside and re-evaluate things.  Hope you're having a great day, see you in a week or so!

Mini Update and Work Stress

Oh hey there, it's been a while.  If I'm being completely honest I've been finding this whole working and training very overwhelming lately so any time I've had at home (and it's been very limited) I have spent sleeping or sprawled out on the couch getting caught up on the many TV shows I watch.

Since I last blogged I've been to Salt Lake City where I raced the first competition of the season (just for fun it didn't count for anything) and then I came back to Calgary and worked 6 evenings straight.  So for 6 days I trained all day and then worked until 10pm and on the 7th day I left for Ottawa for a visit to see friends, family, and to spend some time at my cottage.  The visit was short and sweet but a much needed break from my day to day routine and of course it was nice to see family and friends that I hadn't seen in a very long time.

Then after my nice trip home I came back and worked 4 evenings straight, great.  Adding school into the mix life became very stressful.  As of right now I'm a little stressed out and sick (because apparently I'm always sick) but I'm managing to balance it all (just barely) I'm just hoping that if something goes south it's anything but skating.

Better Days

Hello friends, do not fear I am alive and have not completely spiraled downwards to the point where I can't get out of bed (although I was heading there for a bit).  My last post was kind of bleak but here's the thing: I am a complainer.  I love to complain.  If there were prizes for complaining and procrastinating I would at least be in the running if not walking away with a trophy.  I complain about little things; some of my favourites are "I'm tired," "my hip hurts," "I'm cold," "I don't want to leave the couch," "my back hurts," "I'm tired."  But I don't complain about bigger things so instead I wrote a supes dramatic blog post about it.

After I had a complete meltdown at practice last week my coach pointed out that I tend to focus on what's going badly at practice instead of what I'm doing well so I feel like I'm doing terribly while a coach might see something completely different.  In the spirit of trying to focus more on the positive on ice today's blog post is also going to focus on the positive.

This morning we had a brutally long program on ice, I'll spare you the specifics because you don't care about that but we ended up being on the ice for over two hours.  I will admit that I often have a lot of trouble psyching myself up for long programs but today ... I kind of killed it.  I did more laps than I have in a single program in a long time and because I was thinking more "I can do this" instead of "OMG I'm dying so hard I'm not going to make it" I was able to do it and I was in a better mental space and not on the verge of tears for half the practice.  It wasn't any easier than any other long practice but I was just in a better mental state to actually complete it which is somewhere I haven't been probably since before I started having all my issues with being healthy last season.  Basically I'm just feeling pretty good about myself today and wanted to give me a pat on the back.

Being an Athlete is Hard

I've recently started a new part-time job which means that I've been meeting a lot of new people and explaining to new people that I'm a speed skater and basically a full-time athlete.  A lot of people don't really think anything of it, some people think it's really cool and I think that most people don't really understand it.  Most people think that the fact that I speed skate is interesting, that it's unique and then "speed skater" becomes my identifier.  When I was younger I liked being different, I liked that speed skating was so ingrained with who I was and I liked the lifestyle I got to live because of it.  Lately however, I've become a little disillusioned with the whole thing.

These days skating is hard work.  I'm no longer skating just for fun like I did when I was younger I'm training with a purpose, to attain a certain result and a lot of the time it can be a lot of work with no reward.  The only time that people outside of the sport are aware of speed skating is during the Olympics so I often get asked "oh, you speed skate? Does that mean you're you going to the Olympics?" But the thing is only five girls get to go to the Olympics.  That means that there might be twenty other girls who also put in the work, who committed to training for the four years leading up to the Olympics, who put in all the work but ultimately it will be for nothing.

Don't get me wrong I like skating, I know that I can walk away at any time and I knew what I was getting into when I started taking training seriously.  I have good days and bad days; today just happens to be a bad one.  I just find it difficult to balance "real life" (school, work, social) with skating life and I feel stuck, and bored.  Normal people my age have an undergrad degree, they're figuring out what they want to do, they're getting their own apartments and moving out on their own and starting second degrees.  They're going out with friends and making new friends and trying to support themselves and moving around the world, traveling, and making mistakes.  Meanwhile I'll be continuing my third year of my English degree in my fifth year of university, I'll continue to depend on my parents to survive, the only traveling I'll be doing is to Quebec for other skating meets and I won't have time to make new friends because any time that I'm not skating, training or working I'll probably be sleeping.  I feel like everyone else my age is moving on and starting new chapters in their lives and I'm still stuck on the same page.  I'm just stagnant, putting the rest of my life on hold until I'm done skating and then I'll be able to deal with it.

I feel like I'm an athlete half the time and a student then other half.  I get OK grades and OK results but I can't help thinking that if I was just one thing I could be more successful and feel less stagnant.  I don't want to quit skating but if I'm being completely honest I've been doing the same thing day-in and day-out for three years and on my bad days I feel exceptionally bored with my whole life.

Basically my life is super hard and I'm having a bad mental day and I want to do something with my life and everyone should feel sorry for me.

annnnd a little motivation to keep me going because new training block starts tomorrow

Training Camp

The first week of June the Olympic Oval where we train put together an in-town training camp for all the skaters short and long track.  This meant that we got to train with people we don't usually train with and we also got to do a lot of different activities that we don't do in our day to day training aka we got to have some fun!

Day 1's fun activity of the day was training with the U of C Dinos football coaches.  A lot of the exercises did translate because like football speed skating is a very power driven sport and especially in short track there's a lot of sprinting, reacting, and changes is speed.  Unfortunately for my group though there is not a lot of catching in speed skating and every time we missed or dropped the ball we had to do pushups.

Getting instruction from Dinos head coach Blake Nill
DayDream Images

Doing our pushups
DayDream Images

One of the most fun activities was when we did Muay Thai with UFC fighter Nick Ring. We got to kick and hit each other and I now feel completely confident in actually fighting all the people I jokingly ask to fight on a daily basis (just kidding I'm still under 120lbs of skinny white girl).

Classic cheesy fighter stance picture
DayDream Images

Runner up for most fun activity was when the coaches organized a version of The Amazing Race for us.  This might not sound like a training activity but we spent the whole morning sprinting across the University of Calgary campus (and I mean sprinting) and by the time we were done we were probably more tired than we'd been after doing our structured running intervals.  All our sprinting was rewarded because my team ended up being the winners!

The winning team!
instagram

Continuing our fun week of trying new things and working with new coaches we had a session with a National track and field coach where we found out just how uncoordinated and not flexible some of us are.

Working out in the fancy WinSport Under Armour gym
DayDream Images

We then finished off the week with a nice long bike ride.  If you've read this post you might know that I am prone to fun stuff like panic attacks whenever anybody puts me on a bike.  I had a bit of a rocky start because I was having problems with one of my pedals and I talked myself down from one tiny little freak-out mid ride but I managed to ride for over two hours tear free.  It helped that it was a really nice day and also the last training session for the week.

A rare picture of me on a bike
DayDream Images

It was a fun training camp (even though I had to get on a bike) and I had a really great time doing some different styles of training and training with some new people.  Sometimes training can get a little monotonous as we tend to do the same kind of thing every week but this was a great way to change things up and refocus going into the new season.

All pictures are courtesy of the Olympic Oval Calgary facebook page and DayDream Images 

(except for the one from my instagram of course)

The Final Push

I know I told you that new post day would be Saturday and to be fair I did start writing this post on Saturday.  The original post was going to be about the run up to last trials, the 'final push' as it were, it was an upbeat, light post with little substance.  On Saturday that was honestly how I felt; light and upbeat and even excited about competing again since it has been so long since the first trials before Christmas.  I'm still excited about going to Vancouver because I'll get to see my parents and even a little bit about racing because that is the fun part of skating but I'm also feeling very stressed, worried, and overwhelmed.

If you keep up with this blog you might be aware that I had the flu a few weeks ago and I missed over a week of training and a weekend of racing.  I'm back training full time now but I feel like I'm still recovering and I feel tired most of the time and slow.  Even as I write this I haven't done anything all day (it's our day off) and I still feel like I'm only half awake.  I worry that I might be getting sick again and I'm struggling with doing both school and skating this year so I worry about my marks.  For me at this moment skating takes precedent; I don't want to go into National Team Trials feeling underprepared or feeling like I didn't do everything possible to succeed but I think I would feel a lot better if one thing was going well instead of struggling with both.

I know deep down that this one competition isn't the most important thing in the world and that once skating ends this month I'll probably have time to turn my school marks around but it doesn't mean I don't worry.

I need a job so I can afford a vacation.

(picture found on Pinterest)

Help, I'm Pathetic

It's Saturday so that means it's blog post day! I don't know if I ever told you guys that Saturday is new post day but I decided it was a while ago and so here we are. I'm trying really hard to post something every week but it's a little difficult especially since I have done nothing all week except for sit on my couch.

Monday morning I woke up with a bit of a cough but I thought nothing of it and went to training.  I had done one of our three relays and I was still coughing and my lungs felt a little bit like they were burning so I very dramatically told my coach "I think I'm dying."  Of course my coach knows by now that I can be just a tad overdramatic so she had me do one more relay and take the last one off.  I took the afternoon off training in the hopes that I would feel better and be able to do more the next morning (which was a harder session) but that evening I got a fever.  I still had a bit of a fever Tuesday morning so I took the whole day off.  Wednesday we didn't have training so I didn't do anything that day either except for clean my whole room because I was honestly getting really tired of sitting of my couch.  On Thursday I was so tired of doing nothing that I got up and went to skating.  I didn't really do anything, just skated around by myself and did a bit of a bike in the afternoon but I may have slightly jumped the gun in going back to training.  On Friday I felt worse and stayed in a onesie on my couch all day and had no desire to move (happy Valentine's day).  Today I am (thankfully) feeling a little better but just going out into the world briefly has left me completely exhausted and my face is so dry it feels like it is going to fall off.

I have now missed an entire week of training.  I've been on the ice twice in the last eight days and I haven't done weights at all in the last week.  I'm trying not to freak out because when I look in the mirror it still looks like I have muscles and I know one week isn't going to erase a whole season of training, but with just over a month until second trials I am really hoping that I'm feeling immensely better by Monday (please please pleaseeee) because I really need to get back to training.

Moral of this story: get a flu shot every year

If any one has any tips on how to beat a cold/the flu let me know because I am currently feeling very terrible and pathetic and would like to not feel like this anymore.

Body Composition

Every few months at the training centre we do some body composition tests.  I usually get really curious to see the results but I also dread it a little.  During these tests they take measurements of my legs to calculate my thigh volume as well as skin folds to calculate what percentage of my body is fat.  Every time I have these tests done the results come back and I'm told that my thigh volume is too low and I have struggled in the past with my fat percentage dropping too low.  Bigger leg muscles means faster skating, it's as simple as that, but fat percentage is a little trickier.  If your fat percentage is too high then you're basically just carrying dead weight that can slow you down but if it's too low your body will start breaking down protein (muscles) for energy and can lead to other health issues (especially for women).

I've always been small.  It's just something I've always dealt with, I don't think I hit one hundred pounds until high school.  From about 12 or 13 years old every year I went to the doctor for my checkup she would ask me this series of questions: "Do you eat meat? Do you eat vegetables? Do you snack in between meals?"  She once asked my mom these questions to make sure I was telling the truth and I was also once asked "You're not making yourself throw up or anything are you?"  I understand that the doctor had to ask me these question but it was still uncomfortable and couldn't help wondering if there was something wrong with me.

Growing up in the speed skating world I used to hate that I didn't look like everyone else.  I was basically skin and bone wrapped in spandex.  I didn't like how my legs didn't touch when I walked like all the faster skaters in my club and my mom had to custom make all my skin suits so that they would fit.

Racing at 14 years old 

In high school I actively started to try to gain weight.  I would have a protein shake almost every night before I went to bed and tried to eat in between meals during the day.  When I moved out to Calgary at 19 and had the body composition tests done for the first time I was told that my thigh volume was too low and that my fat percentage was ok but that I shouldn't let it get any higher.  I had been obsessing about my weight for years but had never in a million years thought that my fat percentage would be on the higher end of the spectrum (for speed skaters).  I started to cut out unnecessary things like sweets and unhealthy snacks but I didn't replace them with healthier options.  My fat percentage dropped, my thigh volume dropped, my energy and performance dropped, and I had to have an emergency meeting with my coach.

Right now I am happy with my body appearance-wise but even though I've always been fit it is not how I have always felt.  I think that athletes can tend to have obsessive personalities because we are always trying to seek perfection in order to be the best.  In the sport world I also think that it is much more common for people to comment on a person's size or to talk about weight.  I can now look at my fat percentage number and not let it affect me too much because I know from experience that I can't skate as fast at 12% as I can at what I am now but I've also realized that it would probably be healthier for me not to memorize my thigh volume number and not to compare either of these things with other people.  I now use these tests mostly just to make sure I am still going in the right direction.  Is my thigh volume going up? No? What can I change so that it will? Did my fat percentage drop? Guess I better up the carbs at dinner.

at trials in November (fotosports.ca)

I would also encourage you to read this article about Clara Hughes and Gillian Carleton: 

"Canada’s Olympians not exempt from depression and anxiety even with success"

2014

2013 is finally over.  For me it was a year of great accomplishments but it also had it's hardships and disappointment.

2013 was the year that I got moved up to the top group in the oval program so I now train with girls who are on the national team every day.  While this was very exciting it also took some adjusting I was now at the bottom of the group instead of the top and I had to adjust to different coaches (I love the coaches I have now but everybody's different).  The 2012-2013 season was also the first season that I skated national team trials and the first year I got a national ranking.

Patrice Laponte fotosports.ca

Summer of 2013 I struggled with training and being sick and tired and got in a bit of a mood that was hard to snap out of but did manage turn around eventually.  I got a little discouraged though so that's why I'm making my first new years resolution to give 100% at practice every day.  This wouldn't have been a resolution I would have had to make any other year but this year I'm going to try to stay motivated and give my all at practice even if I don't feel good on the day.

The one other thing I want to do in 2014 is to break out my camera more.  I barely used it last year at all and I really enjoyed using it when we went on the hike on Christmas Eve.

Home for the Holidays

Training has been going a bit better lately but since we were reaching the end of another four week build I was looking forward to getting a bit of a break and seeing my parents for more than a few days at a time.  This year is the first Christmas that we're spending at our Parents' new house which is a little different but also meant that we only had about a one hour flight from Calgary to Vancouver instead of the five hour flight to Ottawa.

Thinking that this would be an easy trip we got to the airport early only to find out that our flight had been cancelled for no reason, none that they told us anyways, and so we had to cab all the way back home and then try to travel again the next day (luckily being the emotional wreck that I am I cried so they gave us vouchers for free cab rides).  The next day after being put on standby and delayed we finally got on a plane and made it to the Vancouver airport.

I was expecting rain and warm (compared to Calgary) weather but it actually snowed after we arrived! Although it's mostly gone now since it rained today.

Almost looks like Calgary (although significantly warmer)

We went to the Vancouver Symphony's Christmas concert which was good and also served to remind me that I wasted my musical talent by not doing anything musical since high school.

Sneaky crooked, blurry picture from the balcony

Selfie because I got to try out my new Revlon lip balm stain (in Crush)
(Don't get to wear makeup much when you train six times a week so I had to document the moment)

Even though I'm technically on holiday I still have training to do so of course I had to travel to the Richmond Olympic Oval to get some weights done.  I feel like I'm just travelling from one Olympic Oval to another.

Don't actually get to skate but kind of cool seeing all the banners from the last Olympics when the next ones are just around the corner

Stay tuned for more Christmas-y posts or about how I manage training away from the training centre (because I still don't know how that's going to go) or maybe something completely different, anything could happen.

September/Student Athlete

We're pretty far into September now (and I don't know how that happened because I swear it was July like yesterday) and that means two things: 1. It's my birthday month and 2. It's back to school.

Now compared to most people I have a pretty light work load since I only take two classes a semester but when you factor in training twice a day, my excellent procrastination skills and my moderate dislike of schooling of any kind it's just another stress that I would rather not deal with.  These days I show up to class (sometimes late depending on skating) sit there, take my notes and then as soon as it's done I pack up and book it out of there either to go get something to eat or to go warm up for training.  I don't talk to anyone, I don't make friends.  I have spent many nights having various meltdowns over school (mostly over not wanting to go) but having no plans for the future and not doing post-secondary just doesn't make sense (and there is no way to make a living off speed skating ... why couldn't I be a male hockey player instead?)

I got a little off topic there but what I'm trying to get at is that most elite athletes have to juggle the stress of putting everything they have into their sport but also trying to get an education because when you stop competing the funding stops and you have to get on with your normal life.  Some athletes even have to juggle training, school and work because sport can be very expensive (I'm lucky enough that my parents are able to support me because it costs me more than I could ever make working part time to skate right now).

This PSA from CAN Fund explains it a lot better than I ever could:

Race Day + Finishing the Build

So I've been trying to write this blog post for weeks now but I've been putting it off (like everything else in my life) so I have finally sat myself down and am not going to let myself open a new tab until it is done.

On the 24th and 25th of August we had our first real competition of the season.  The meet was on home ice with us Oval program skaters being the top of the group.  The competition wasn't super difficult and we were training right through it but I was still nervous and unsure of what would happen since I was coming out of a two month 'rough patch' of being exhausted and sick and couldn't actually remember the last time I finished a program on ice.

But I wore my lucky shirt to bed the night before so what could go wrong?
(I'm not even kidding this is an actual thing that I do)

All in all the competition went better than I expected. I'll admit that I started off a little hesitant but I finished second in almost every final (behind my training partner) and even managed to pull off a first in the last 1500.  The meet didn't mean anything but it did give me a little bit of a confidence boost which I carried into the final week of our training build.

Now I'm finally on recovery week (and sick again, ugh) but actually starting to look forward to training and racing which is a big turn around from how a felt just a few weeks ago.

And We're Back!

Over the last few months I've been having some problems on ice.  I kept thinking I was just tired and I would get some rest and I would come out the other side and feel better, I kept thinking I was getting sick but then would never actually get a full on illness.  I felt like I was skating through a fog.  I would wake up and feel tired, go to ice and feel tired, go to bed exhausted and repeat.  Instead of enjoying training I was just trying to get through it, just trying to survive it.  I wasn't enjoying myself and was emotional on ice and couldn't figure out why.

It wasn't until the last two days when I started feeling like myself on ice again that I realized I hadn't  felt like myself for a long time.  I hadn't been pulling off passes for fun in practice, I hadn't been challenging myself, I was just trying to survive and counting down the days until the next rest week.  I don't know who that person on ice was but she wasn't the same me from last season and she wasn't someone that I liked very much.  I don't think she was someone that my teammates found easy to deal with either and I often felt isolated and lonely at practice.

I don't know if it was being on ice with my old coach that reminded me of my "I can do anything" attitude from last season or coming to the realization that I have to base my successes off my own talents instead of comparing them to others but the past two practices I felt like I woke back up.  I skated all my laps and more in the last on-ice program of the week, I can't even remember the last time I did that!  My training partner even said she thought to herself "she's back."  I was almost giddy on my bike ride home because practice had been hard but it had been fun, something that it hadn't been in a very long time and I was finally able to feel proud of how I had handled a practice again.  Fingers crossed I can keep this feeling going as we head towards our first competition of the season next weekend.

Here have a picture of me and my sister racing last season (I won)

Cycling, Camping, and Positivity

If you ask any of my past or present teammates or coaches they will probably tell you that I am a nightmare to road bike with.  If I'm not shaking and crying I'm biking by myself at the back with a never ending stream of curse words running through my head while I constantly imagine the worst case scenario.  For example:

That car on the side of the road is probably just waiting for us to bike by to kidnap us or run us over

If the wind blew me off the side of that cliff I'd probably break my legs and drown

So you can imagine that I was less than thrilled when I found out that we would be going camping for altitude training and that our sole physical activity would be cycling.  When the travel day came around I sucked it up, loaded my bike into the truck and vowed not to cry.  I also told myself I was going to try my hardest to be more positive which for me meant saying things like "At least it's not that windy today" and "Looks like there isn't much traffic" while I was really thinking "Don't panic, don't panic, don't panic" and "Oh my God that camper van is totally going to hit us, this is the end."  I think that by being (slightly, I still complained more than I should have) more positive I was able to almost trick myself into believing that everything was going to be OK and eliminate any panic attacks (although I was wearing a heart rate monitor and my heart was racing before starting the first bike).

Cycling may not be my favourite thing in the world but I have to admit that some of the sights we saw in Jasper while biking were almost as pretty as I was terrified.

Pretty mountains and glaciers and stuff

It was also refreshing to spend some time with teammates outside of the oval and to change up the training a bit.  It was less nice that it rained and that I came home with a cold (in continuation of the most unhealthy summer of my life) but all in all it was a good team bonding experience and I managed to make it through five and a half hours of cycling without shedding a single tear which is probably a personal record.  I'm going to try to take some of my newfound positivity and apply it to the slight rough patch I seem to be going through on ice because no one likes to be around the grumpy girl who might burst into tears at any moment.

My poor biking partner who had to put up with my craziness, thanks Jordan!

Home Ice

This week was our first week back at the Olympic Oval and back on our home ice.  Every year they take the ice out at the end of the season and then leave it out for a few months and this year they put the short track ice back in at the beginning of June!

The sun even came out for the first week back!

That first day back was almost like Christmas morning,

-"How excited are you to go on the ice?"

-"SO EXCITED"

-"It's so smooth!"

-"It's like skating on air!"

-"There's so much glide!"

There were all things we actually said on that first day.  The ice was smoother, faster and the building much warmer than where we had been skating for the last month.  I had gone from not being able to feel my feet to not being able to get out of a sweaty, sticky skin suit after practice.

The long track ice isn't in yet so it still looks a little weird

Being back on home ice didn't mean the training got any easier though.  By Wednesday I felt exhausted  but I was still able to 'kill it' in a hard program that morning.  By Thursday I felt worse like maybe I was getting sick and had one of my worst on ice practices ever.  I took the afternoon off but showed up again for practice Friday morning.  I have this tendency to oversimplify my problems; if something hurts I convince myself it's nothing until it starts to affect my skating/training and then maybe I'll go to physio and sitting on the bike warming up I knew I didn't feel any better than the day before.  Luckily I have coaches around to remind me that sometimes recovery is just as important as training and send me home so that I can rest up because training doesn't end with the end of the week and there's another hard week coming up.

The Off Season

It's June now; something that a lot of people would say marks the beginning of summer (although you wouldn't be able to tell from the rain outside) and that means a break from school and a break from racing.  We are officially in what is called the "off season."  Although "off" season suggest that there's time off involved but our break from training started in March and ended in April.  The only difference between now and the racing season is that we're doing less on ice training and we're not racing.

Beautiful "summer" weather in Calgary

One constant companion of this off season has been exhaustion.  We've been spending countless hours on tiny technical elements, on the bike, in the gym, and on skating specific exercises off the ice.  There's been so much training in skating position that my knees have become my worst enemies and ice packs my best friends.

My new nightly ritual

There's something almost satisfying though about barely being able to get out of bed in the mornings and being so sore that stairs are a struggle.  Every ache and pain is a sign of something getting stronger, of getting better and until I actually can't walk I'll take them as good signs.