Wednesday, 3 February 2016

Thoughts On Loneliness

I've always been comfortable hanging out with myself.  I don't mind spending time alone, in fact, there are some days that I look forward to the nights when all my roommates are out and I get the house to myself.  Something I didn't fully understand until more recently is the very real difference between being alone and being lonely.

I always had a lot of friends growing up.  I made friends easily and I have a bit of a need to be liked so I got along with most people but I also always had a core group of really close friends.  In high school I could probably call any one of my close friends and within ten minutes we'd be at the movies or at one of our houses.  These are people that I felt I could go to with almost anything and they wouldn't judge me although most of the time all I needed was to sit on a couch in a basement and watch movies to make me feel better.  I still feel like I could always go to my high school friends for support but it's different now mostly because we all live in different places and have other responsibilities.

I have friends in Calgary but almost all of them I've made through skating so there are days where after spending all day training with them you don't necessarily want to keep hanging out with them since training for any sport is a very high pressure and emotional environment.  Most of the time I feel fine; I have friends here, I have family but all those people have other friends or boyfriends that they go to with the important things.

I didn't feel like I was justified to feel lonely because I do have friends, my parents are very supportive, and I live with my cousin and my little sister so I literally have built in friends that are there all the time.  What makes it hard for me is that I don't have someone I can go to in person that is there just for me that isn't already involved in almost everything I do, and anyone that I would have gone to in the past I would have to try to reach on the phone or online somehow.  I am very content until I have to start making big life decisions or something happens that I wish I had someone outside of my skating bubble to talk to and I feel silly to reach out and talk about such serious things with people who are so far away when really all I need is to sit on a couch in a basement and watch movies.

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